Unknown The Chugg Water Journal [Vol. 1, no. 3 (October 30, 1849)]
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Handwritten third issue of the self-described "largest paper printed at Fort Laramie." Comments on submitted, and in most cases, rejected, articles. Discusses the problems of their "Polemical Editor." Contains a letter pertaining to agriculture and precious metals, another on poetry, and a note on hunting. Reports on a fire at the juvenile infirmary.
The Chugg water Journal, the largest paper printed at Fort Laramie, will appear occasionally, and sometimes often, if not sooner.
All letters addressed to the Quartette, containing money and post paid, will receive prompt attention.
Office near the saw mill, but will within having of the juvenile Infirmary -
- Notice to Correspondents -
"Armored," is inadmissible. The experience of our Sporting Editor in the present number upon the same subject renders it unnecessary for us to take up so much of our valuable space as his article requires. besides, he has not dotted his "i s", or crossed his "t's" and moreover the paper on which his communication is written, is neither gilt-edged nor perfumed.
Mr. Hecate's dove-like article on the aristocratical residents of Juvenile place, we regret to say, is also declined. It may be true, as she remarks, "that nobody a'int considered nothin what don't live in the place," but we beg to inform her that the "place" (the Infirmary in particular) is under our own immediate charge, and we permit no one to abuse it but ourselves.
Polly Jones' poetical article "on seeing the saw mill" shall appear in our next. It is seldom m we see more beautiful, feeling, pathetic, poetry, than the piece now before us. It would appear that Polly has not forgotten, that the great end of poetry is to amuse the fancy, and powerfully to excite the feelings; and that this is affected, by impressing the mind with the most vivid pictures. We will shorten the appetite of the public by a single stanza.
Oh! Thou great grand, sublime saw mill,
That movet without aid of creeks, ponds, or rill;
Like mountains by lightning
Thro' the hearts of pine thou'rt driven -
By twelve old mules.
"Cupids" We most respectfully and at the same time emphatically decline "Cupids" thoughts on love." One of our fixed rules is to admit no communication in the journal unless it be based on facts; and as it is well known that "Love" has no existence in reality, being but a hallucination of the brain; something that places the imagination, and tickles the fancy of boarding school misses, and Byracial young gentlemen; it clearly falls within the ban. As cupid seems far-gone however, we offer him through compassion, the best remedy that our experience can suggest, viz: a squalling baby - one room - and sixty five dollars a month. If that don't effect a cure we dont know what will..
- Our Extra -
Upon our return last week from a short hunting excursion in the country, we were not a little astonished to find that our Polemical Editor, in whose charge we had temporarily left our Office  had assumed the responsibility of issuing an "Extra Chugg Water." To our friends who are personally acquainted with our poetical brother, no apology is necessary, but we feel that for those who have not that pleasure, and are unacquainted with his eccentricities a few explanatory remarks are required. The gentlemen who sport white cravats and black coats tell us, that the truth ought to be spoken at all times; but it must be admitted that the street observance of this rule not unfrequently occasions heart felt session - not only to the person spoken of , but to the but to the speaker himself. Thus it is on the present occasion, for when we tell our reader that since the immersion of our Polemical friend, all has not been right with him, we doubt not that our own heart bleeds more frequently, than does that of our pious and learned brother.
Since that awful even, which came near shrouding our columns with the "emblems of wo" , his friends have had serious thoughts of confining him to the Infirmary; indeed they did so for one day, but he became so restless that they were obliged to restore him to liberty, and he has now permission to roam at large for ten miles around, which makes the poor [text loss] as persons with, [text loss] occasional labor under a slight hallucination, that he has the whole world at command.
He believes, also that the water of the lake has settled on his brain, and having read in some old book that brandy is the only thing that will dispel it; he has resumed his black bottle, and on the very evening previous to the appearance of the "Extra", he was seen to leave the Eagle Tavern in company with Mrs Mildmay, both talking sentimentally and occupying the entire street, as they passed down towards the "office of the Chugg Water." Mrs M. is a well meaning old lady, except when her sprits overcome her, which, however, only occurs, during her interview with her respected Pastor.
We deem it unnecessary to say more. Our readers both far and near, will now doubtless understand the matter thoroughly, and make all due allowance for the erratic proceedings of our most beloved brother of the wig and Gown.
- Correspondence of the C.W. Journal. -
Messrs Editors Laramie Settlement, Oct. 14. 1869
Having heard that a newspaper had been started as the Settlement and knowing that large numbers of our fellow creatures live in a State of Missouri; I am induced to trouble you with this communication with the hope, that a knowledge of the blessings we enjoy, may induce some to come from such a pitiable State, to one of greater promise.
As grain is emphatically called the "staff of life", we can truly say we have abundance, being literally supported by it; - but not such vulgar granular substances as our poor neighbors are acquainted with. We have mica - quartz - gneiss - granite - quartzose, and a variety of others, to which names have been given by persons calling themselves gee-ologists; I presume from having been teamsters in the Quarter Master's Department -
As for the common articles of Hay and maize, the first we have in an excellent state of preservation, being surrounded by strong circular entrenchments, reminding one forcibly of Cronstadt or Gibraltar; and the latter article is equally well guarded by a detachment from the German Legion; and it may be taken for granted that is of good quality.
A gentleman of my acquaintance remarked to me in a light way, that the Houses in the government employ here, would be - hay - maiz'd to see anything of the kind beyond the bounds of its respective enclosures; and he, being in the habit of weaving a neat boot, further says, that he is in possession of more corns than all the Cattle at the Settlement -
I consider this a mere attempt on the part of my friend to show his wit.
For myself. I am in daily expectation of finding the valuable quart-of-oats (erroneously spelt by the Gee's quartzose) for the sake of my Horse, who, after coming home from a days gazing, looks pitifully in my face, with an expression of eye, which I read thus: "SeÃ±or, poco cebado por pobre cavalliere."
A contiguous rival (or Rifle) Company, commenced the cultivation of far-in-aceous roots. The Potato is the only one yet attempted. The tops are very luxuriant, but the bottoms must be far-in, as the most careful digging has not yet discovered them. My facetious friend whispers  that the sum of their produce may be represented by the last letter of their name.
Respecting smaller seeds, my Governors has sown a quantity; and altho' the utmost attention has been paid to irrigation, &c - they have not yet thought proper to make their appearance, altho' looked for with the aid of a powerful telescope. But we live in hope of seeing them next spring.
Concerning the precious metals, two scientific Gentlemen, after only a few days search, succeeded in obtaining a quantity, valued at 4 mills. I am not much of an arithmetician, but take this to be an abbreviation of millions; and am induced to believe this from the fact, that both gentlemen have betaken themselves to Foreign parts.
Should any literary person feel disposed to settle here. he may dispense with that generally useful article, a sand box as we have a natural curiosity of frequent occurrence here, called a whirlwind, which carries a sufficient quantity for all useful purposes.
I believe it is customary for correspondents to sign their communications; my name is 'xpec-tator, but as the latter article is not forthcoming, I will simply sign myself
P.S. I understand the conductors of the C. W. J. style themselves a quart-eat, and can only say they are more fortunate than my poor B-lank-oh! Who has not yet had his quart to eat.
We take great pleasure in inserting the above communication, and feel assured that when the people of Missouri, understand what an El Dorado has been slumbering for ages almost at their very doors they will flock to these "diggins" in great numbers. We would remark here that we would be most happy to receive communications, provided they, (the communications, not the friends) fall within the rules which we have laid down for the government of our paper. We wish all articles for our paper to be written in a light - off hand style; not too serious nor yet with unbecoming levity, but the "juste milieu".
Nothing personal will be admitted, and under no pretence whatsoever will we insert any communication reflecting upon the Government, under which we have all voluntarily placed ourselves.
- Fire!!! -
At an early hour on the morning of the 18th inst. An extensive fire was discovered just in rear of the Juvenile Infirmary, which for some time placed the building of that valuable Institution in imminent danger. By the timely arrival, however, of the mounted fire companies, and the prompt assistance rendered by the Matrons of the Infirmary, the flames were prevented from spreading; but the tenement in which the fire originated was entirely consumed.
The building, which belonged to the Polemical Editors of this paper, and occupied by his brother, we regret to say, were not insured, and we dear its loss will fall heavily upon him.
The furniture, however, consisting of a broken back chair, a one-legged stool, a pine table, one suspender, a tin washbasin, a deck of cards and a prayer book, was insured to the full amount.
- Conundrums. -
Why is the Juvenile Infirmary like the Gulf of Mexico?
________ Because it is subject to Squalls.________
Why is the Chaplain of the Chugg Water like an Astronomer?
________ 'Cause he often looks through his glass. ________
Why are the Gentleman of the Juv. Infy. Like a religious congregation?
________ 'Cause they are often favor'd with good lectures. ________
"I say, Sambo, wats dis nigger tinkin 'bout, can you tell dat darky?"
"'Bout dinnah 'spose; dat's my way."
"Go away, nigger; Ive found a connundle-drum."
"A connundle-drum! Ya! haw! haw!, whats dat, darky?"
"Why - what de white folk calls, de bitikism." -
"Why is the pork-and-bean merchant here, what day calls de Komsary like a Korpulent man?" "Do you gib it up, nigger?"
"Yes, I dus."
Cause he's got a large waist (waste) of fat.
- Presence of minds -
At the recent fire, the children of the Infirmary were pitched out of the windows, and the feather beds carefully carried out doors by hand.
We regret to hear that the Mutual Insurance Company, in consequence of its heavy loss sustained by the recent fire, has suspended payment.
 - Correspondence of the C.W. Journal -
Fort Laramie. Ind. Ter.
Dear Mr Quartette October 28. 1869
I am so angry with you for carelessness in you last number, that I am half inclined to stop my paper, and what u worse, discontinue writing for it. You asked for a few lines for your cavalry drill; which I made impromptu, and wished to put them on paper; but you declined giving me the trouble, saying that your memory (which I have always found treacherous) would retain them. I enclose you what I really did write, which by publishing in your next number, may still be the means of retaining my purse and pen at your commands.
I see them on their winding way,
Thro' their ribs the sun beams play;
Their drooping heads, and feeble neigh,
Denote two quarts of corn - ten pounds of hay.
Yours &c,, Jane Allspice - Poetess
- Juvenile Place. -
The fashionable position of our town has recently been received many important additions: several bachelors having been irresistibly drawn within its precincts. As "music hath power to tame the savage" we shall look for some great changes.
Rules for Hunting - by the Sporting Editor. -
Most animals can be cowed by looking them steadily in the eyes. The most ferocious male had often been subdued by that process.
If attacked by a fox -Wolf - Bear- or any beast of prey seize it by the roots of the tongue.
A Buffalo Bull may be held by one horn - grasping at the same time with the other hand the middle gristle of his nostrils: or he may be held fast to a saplin by the tail if you can take a turn or belay.
I send you a poetic effusion picked up in Juvenile Place near the door of the sporting Editor. It is presumed to be his lament upon the bear hunt, so faithfully and graphically described the Polemical Editor, in the extra of the "Chugg Water". This is evidently the rough draft, and in measure and metre, is somewhat random & disorderly: nevertheless it breathe the spirit of poetry and has substantial merit. It ought not to be lost to the readers of the "Chugg Water".
All is not poetry that rhymes - nor is it the best of poetry that runs riot with the imagination, and "Werner like" startle the reader with fantasies, curdling the blood with horrors. This specimen of the poetic art is rather on the narrative order, and of course drew forth none of the flashes of fancy that disling wish the wild imaginings of Byron. It may be compared with critical nicety to "Scott's Marmion" and Moore's "Lalla Rooke". They were distinguished for the ballad like simplicity of all their Poems, and none will fail to see in this, a striking analogy & favorable comparison to their best. If we were disposed be censorious, we should charge a bordering on the "fearful descriptive" that part of the fugitive stanza that refers to his dreams, and the "three Grizzly Bears that hunted to tear him"
Such ballads are always liable to fall under the eyes of the tender sec," and descriptions like the above, should be attemper'd to their more delicate sensibilities.
There is however, a view of simplicity & feeling that will cover all the struggling imperfections of this unfinished ballad. If we give it to the "Chugg Water" without further comment, leaving its many readers to pass sentence upon the merits that may have escaped this hasty notice.
Yours truly, Simon Perrin
The Hunters have gone where they once went before,
To that beautiful stream of old classic lore;
Whose quiet banks and placid water,
Are now the scene of havocs slaughter.
They are armed cap-a-pie with revolvers & rifles,
For the Grizzly Bears that mind no such trifles:
And greatly I fear that they and their animals,
Will soon become food for the grizzly cannibals.
Oh! strange is the taste of men miscellaneous;
To sport on this stream, whose wilds so mountainous,
Have long been the home of the Panther and Bear,
Whom few have disturbed in their terrible lair.
When first I essayed to hunt on its banks,
And saw the wild ways of the Grizzly bears pranks;
I vowed in my heart when pushed to the tree,
No more to desert thee - in quiet Pedee
There in my childhood I hunted for sparrows,
With innocent snares, and pin pointed arrows;
Oh! little I dream'd of a Country, wherein
Was game more ferocious, than land terrapin.
Oh! When will the day come, that I may no more
Hear the howling of wolves, and the Buffalo roar.
Nor start in my slumbers, at phantoms that scare me -
Of the three Grizzly Bears, that hunted to tear me.
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